Part of the Beauty
by UrKid
Summary: “”Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won’t fall…”” - “… Seriously?” - “No, not really. I can tell that it’s definitely not a beauty.” // YuuxAllen
1. Charm

Ah, finally this is ready x) I had trouble with the last chapter, for the simple reason that what comes to finishing things, I'm pretty lazy. Because "ready" is almost the same as "almost ready". My logic is solid. "The fear you won't fall" is a song by Joshua Radin and it was quite obviously my inspiration in this fic. That, and my love for -Man and YuuxAllen :D (or KandaxWalker, because you should just decide whether you want to use the first names or the last names, mixing them is just odd...)

**Note: **In this chapter, the _italic_ parts flash backs.

* * *

"I have had enough of this!"

Allen's eyed widened in surprise as he turned toward the owner of the voice.

"Oi! Beansprout! You – there! Way over there! "

-

"_I hate to feel this way. I don't even have the time for it. I have much more important things to worry about. I kind of have to try and help to save the world. I can't waste all my concentration for something this meaningless."_

"_How… If you take that all out, how does it feel like?"_

"_Honestly? … It feels horrible. Don't ever fall in love."_

-

Kanda continued all the while widely waving his mugen towards the general direction of "way over there". The white haired exorcist blinked and then looked at the direction the other was pointing at. He glanced at Kanda. Then back at "there". Repeat. Until Kanda took an ominous step towards him. Allen waved his hands defensively before his chest and shook his head. He took a step back in turn.

"Then where will Lenalee and Lavi go?" he asked innocently.

Allen glanced at the two. Lavi was standing right next to him and waved at him in acknowledgment. Lenalee stood in front of Lavi and next to Yuu, eyeing the situation cautiously. Link was walking on the other side of Allen and obviously not concerned of being ignored. Kanda just stared at Allen as if trying to figure out if he was serious. Allen felt like he was missing something important. Why was he supposed to go there anyway?

"I don't care. They can go where they want to. Just as long as you're away from me."

Kanda crossed his arms and looked the opposite direction from Allen, who frowned. Did he really just say that? That wasn't fair. Allen hadn't done anything to him. Except annoy him of course, but he did that just by breathing. Allen's frown deepened and he glared at the boy. Lenalee suddenly startled and began pushing Lavi at Allen.

"Why won't you, Lavi, take Allen-kun _there_ for a lookout meanwhile Kanda and I will stay _here_!"

Lavi looked at her dumbly for a second but in the end he got the hint rather quickly.

"Ah yes! Let us go Allen!"

Lavi urged and mirrored what Lenalee had done to him just a few second ago, using it now against Allen. Link growled and moved out of the way as Allen stumbled upon him. But Allen wasn't as an easy target as Lavi had been. After regaining his composure, he shook Lavi off of his side and kept on staring at Kanda with a mix of hurt and anger.

"Why do I have to go there? Why won't he go?" Allen inquired.

The bookman's apprentice once more tried to shove Allen away, babbling something about pretty flowers growing somewhere, but Allen kept his stance. His eyes found their way over Lavi's shoulder at Kanda who still had his back turned towards him. Suddenly Kanda tilted his head back and shot him a nasty look. He snorted. Allen's eyes narrowed.

-

"_So why do people fall in love? What good does it make?"_

"_I have no idea."_

"… _Well that's just awful to hear."_

"_Sorry."_

-

"Because it's your fault. You should suffer the consequences", Kanda declared in a cold tone, "I told you a million times I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to hear you talking to me. Better yet, you shouldn't talk at all."

Allen was ready to pounce on the Japanese boy, but now, in addition to Lavi, Lenalee also jumped in between. She suggested a compromise, where both parties would walk away a little from their current spot, in different directions of course, but neither of the two seemed too keen on listening. Link just rolled his eyes and scanned the horizon. There was a town a few kilometers away, where they had come, and it could still be seen through the sparsely growing trees. It would get thicker once they got further.

"What do you mean by that? You're saying you don't want me to talk! That's insane! You're unbelievable! That's the stupidest thing you have ever gotten annoyed about! Besides, I was just trying to lift up the mood!"

They were currently heading towards the middle of the forest where a large amount of akumas were heading to, or at least that was where the science group had deduced they were heading. There were already some finders there and though most said there was nothing strange with the forest, the akumas were more than enough for them to go search the place.

"I wouldn't have minded if you had just talked! But you were talking to _me_! And I didn't want to talk to _you_! And I certainly didn't need my mood perked up, not that you could have done that anyway!"

Lavi was surprisingly persistent with what came to separating the two, still standing in between them, and Lenalee tried to pull Kanda away by his arm, but wasn't nearly strong enough. Link groaned. In his opinion, the situation was just getting ridiculous. He dragged Lavi out of the middle, figuring Lenalee would notice and follow them. She didn't disappoint him. Link led the two a little further away.

"I wasn't trying to perk up your mood, _anyway_! But we're most likely heading for a battle, some of us still have some human feelings left and might feel worried!"

_-_

"_Do you even like _him_? Don't give me that look, I heard that you love _him _alright, but do you _like him_? Like, can you list any good qualities _he _has?"_

"… _Can I just choose _him_ as a whole?"_

"_No, you can't. If you can't figure out anything you like about _him_, you really don't love _him_. It means it's just the hormones in love, not you. And that isn't exactly everlasting love."_

"… _I like _him_."_

-

Not that neither Allen nor Yuu would have noticed even if he had screamed right into their ears.

"Just let them fight. It'll be good if they let some of it out", he told the less argumentative couple.

Lenalee was about to protest, but Link gave her a pointed look. Lavi absently scratched the back of his head and viewed the scene before him. Lenalee sighed. She covered her face in her hands. She hated when they fought. She cared for them both a lot and she definitely didn't want to see them hurting each other. She involuntarily ended up in the middle, though she knew neither meant for that to happen.

"We've been to so many fights, I don't think any one of us is worried about a small, unimportant, might-come-might-not fight!"

Lavi knew that things had been really tense lately. Before they were just arguing. Now he they were really fighting. Maybe letting them fight would ease the tension, but it might also make things worse. A lot. Needless to say, Lavi was worried. Link on the other hand thought that since fighting was the only way they agreed to talk to each other, then fighting they should do. Risky or not, it was the only way that could possibly lead to somewhere.

"And you should know better than that! There's always more than meets the eye! We don't know how big this fight actually is!"

Allen was swinging his arms around rapidly, in case it did anything to prove his point, and Kanda eyed him from top to toe, his hands crossed again from where Lenalee had unlinked them. He appeared to be rather angry by now.

"I think we're already used to that! You're the one who's planting that worry into everyone's heads!"

-

"… _But you guys argue all the time."_

"_Arguing is just a faster, louder and slightly more negative manner of speech."_

"_That… is so misleading."_

"_The arguing… It's… kind of hard to explain. I just know that I never really feel angry at _him_ afterwards. But I don't think meaningless things like pleasant chit chats are the things that define a relationship. It's the fact that I want to be around _him_, no matter what we do. It's the fact that when we talk, it's always special. And really, arguing is just another way to get to know _him_."_

-

The argument continued on and on and the others started to consider the possibility that the akumas would go and snatch the possible innocence before they'd even get going. They didn't seem to have any plans of quitting anytime soon. That was of course before Allen decided to attack Yuu. No one had even had the time to catch what lead to this, it was simply unexpected. Lavi actually missed the whole attack before he realized the arguing had stopped, mainly because he had been dozing off.

Even though Allen attacked Kanda, he was the one who was quick to fall second. Kanda, as if expecting the sudden assault, easily flipped him over and pressed his arm against his back. He then spun Allen around again and forwards, so for an innocent by passer it would have most likely seemed like they were dancing. Allen flew until his back hit a tree.

Kanda supported his arms on each side of Allen's head, lowering his face a little so their noses were only centimeters apart. For a small moment they just stared at each other with venom. The others were waiting in suspense for what was going to come out of it. Eventually though, Kanda only pushed himself back and turned around to make his leave.

"I'm not going to jeopardize our mission by battling you. That would just be stupid," he muttered while walking away.

-

"_How do you know it's love?"_

"_I don't. Isn't that a little subjective? But… I love you. And I love you too. And I love everybody else in this organization. I love the akuma. But my love for the akuma is obviously different from the love I have for you two. And my love for _him_ is entirely different from all of those. Wouldn't it be unfair to say that I just really like _him_ while I love everyone else?"_

"… _I think you use the word too widely."_

"_Ha, ha… Maybe I do. Or maybe that's just the way I feel."_

-

Not that Allen was going to let him leave. In a couple of long strides, he reached the escaper, grabbed his elbow and returned the gesture by spinning the long haired exorcist around this time. But instead of pushing him against the tree, Allen kissed Yuu. The kiss was angry, hungry and it was desperate and everything in between and it ended soon with Kanda actually pushing Allen over.

Kanda followed the other to the ground, straddled Allen by the waist and pressed his mugen against the other's chest. The three viewers were too shocked to even realize what was currently happening. Everything had happened in an incredible speed or at least that was how it looked like in their eyes. Allen eyed Kanda blankly and his lip was bleeding where Kanda had bit him. He hadn't even realized when it had happened.

"Why did you do that?"

Kanda asked and he definitely wasn't shy at all to look pissed. Quite the opposite actually. Lenalee had covered his mouth to prevent herself from speaking while Lavi on the other hand was gaping, his mouth wide open. Link just watched. What happened wasn't really a surprise. Just how and how suddenly it had happened. Allen's deadpan look didn't falter as he spoke.

"I don't know."

-

"_Why won't you tell _him_?"_

"_Are you serious? This pain is almost unbearable. After I tell _him_, I'll probably die. And I truly don't have time dying if I plan on saving anyone…"_

"_Be serious about this. Why are you so sure _he_ will reject you?"_

"_Have you ever seen _him_? That's way, way over my standards… What, do you think I have a chance?"_

"…"

"_Thought so."_

-

Still sitting on Allen, Kanda sheathed his sword and only then got up. He gave Allen a reproachful look, as if he was a child that had gotten caught on stealing a cookie from the jar. Allen's head dropped and he didn't get up. Lenalee looked like she was about to go and interfere, but Lavi stopped him by putting a hand on her arm. He didn't say anything and his gaze was still locked on the two.

"I don't think "I don't know" is a well enough reason to further interrupt our mission", Kanda enlightened.

He then turned his back on Allen for the third time that day, but it was the first time Allen didn't seem to mind. The white haired exorcist only started pushing himself up, his eyes glued to the ground. Once he got up, he began adjusting the sleeves of his uniform. All very slowly so Kanda could walk as far away from him as he managed. Lenalee pushed Lavi's hand away and Lavi turned to look at her. Though her eyes were following a certain Japanese.

-

"_It's like… You love God. And God is this divine being. You know you can't compare to Him, there is no way you're even near His level and that's a fact you accept. You know that there is no reason for Him to love you. But still, wouldn't you feel like you should just go kill yourself if God told you He didn't love you? He loves your favorite actor. He loves your neighbor and he loves your dog, but he certainly doesn't love you. But that's no big deal, right? Since He's divine, you would have to be awfully high for Him to love you anyway. He tells you this too. But you still feel like the most worthless creature in this world. It's like that."_

"_I hate God."_

"_I know you do. But you don't have a dog either. That's beside the point. You still want Him to love you, am I right? And I want… _him_ to love me. Even though it's impossible."_

-

"He loves you, you know!" she shouted loudly enough so her voice would definitely reach its target.

Lavi's eyes widened. Link frowned. Yuu stopped. Allen turned to look at her. And probably for the first time in his life he was being truly rude to Lenalee.

"Lenalee, shut up!" Allen yelled back.

Lenalee was shocked for a quarter of a minute at most. She most certainly didn't miss how hurt Allen looked and she felt a tinge of regret, but still chose to turn her eyes expectantly towards Kanda. Both Lavi and Link copied the line of her gaze. Allen turned also, but his face was covered with as much fear as you would ever see on the face of Allen Walker. Kanda started walking forwards.

"I don't think that's a well enough reason to interrupt our mission", he said composedly.

-

""_Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall…""_

"… _Seriously?"_

"_No, not really. I can tell that it's _definitelynot _a beauty."_

-

Allen's expression literally died. He immediately started following Kanda like a robot on command. Link followed suit. Lenalee was exclusively shaken by the cold respond and didn't move an inch. In the end, Lavi had to start guiding her after the others. She realized what she was doing and soon began moving on her own. Kanda kept walking. Link followed. Lavi followed. Lenalee followed. And Allen just followed.


	2. Strange

This is still on-going ;) This has five chapters in total... And they all differ a bit from each other. Out of all the chapters, this one seems to be the most superficial. I don't think it acually is though. I think love seldomly originates from attraction towards another person. But on the other hand, attraction may originate from love. Also, love or infatuation might kill your attraction towards other people, save for the holder of your heart :D I'd say I know this from personal experience. If that made Any sense.

**Note:** This whole chapter is one big flashback.

* * *

"_Ugh, this is so wrong", I can honestly say I just growled that._

_Lavi grins at me from the door. Not very assuring I can tell you._

"_Come on, cheer up Allen! We can't have you be the only one left out of all the fun!"_

_And why can't we? I wouldn't mind so much. I shoot him a glare that I wish will make him very, very scared, and turn back to putting the uniform inside my backpack. Lavi is basically jumping with excitement, I can see him from the corner of my eye. I'm trying my best to procrastinate. Half because I want to annoy him. As if that could happen. And half because I'm starting to get a little scared myself. Why Lavi is so excited? I'm certain he has done this before, so it can't be that. Well I haven't. It is only normal I haven't. And there hasn't been a real reason for me to have done it. No big deal. I sigh deeply, so Lavi will definitely hear it, but will probably ignore it anyway, and pull the bag on my shoulders._

"_I am so sure we are going to lose this…"_

_Lavi huffs and waves his hand dismissively._

"_No we aren't! They've got a good security here. Besides, the uniforms helped us get in, right? Or you, to be specific, because you're yooung!" Lavi is glad to inform me, lengthening the word "young" a little needlessly._

_Only making me a lot more worried. If that is possible. I clutch to my shoulder straps as if my life depended on them and I'm completely aware of it. This, Lavi does not ignore. For once, not ignoring my pain. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. He looks at me as if he was my mother, a bad mother at that if I dare say, hands on his hips and shaking his head. I'm still not positive we won't lose the bag. No, forget that. I never was anything but positive that we _would_ lose it. Or forget the bag altogether. Komui is going to kill us. Komui is going to kill us for sure. Actually, I think a lot of people will kill us. But Komui is the scariest._

"_Allen…" he draws, returning my attention, "Don't be so uptight! Yuu-chan is here too! Y-U-U-chan! Yuu-chan!"_

_Well that was another thing. What was Kanda, out of all people, doing there? It made no sense. Absolutely no sense at all. And also, Lavi loves the word "Yuu-chan" way too much, by the way. Why is he still singing it…? But the surprising thing is, Lavi actually managed to calm me down a tad. Because he was right. If Kanda, the poster boy of discipline, trusted the security here, then I could trust it too. And if Kanda thought it was such a fricking genius idea to come here, then hell, I would think too! Then I would blame him after we all lost our uniforms and ourselves on the process. And would get eaten up by Akumas. As much I want to save them, I don't want them to eat me. But that would be Kanda's problem. Hell yeah. I smirk at Lavi. Lavi grins back even more widely._

"_I see you're ready to go my man! Finally! Let's go party!"_

_He says while suddenly starting to pump his fist in the air energetically and I can't help but share his enthusiasm. How could you not, there's just too much for him to handle alone. And yes, that is indeed possible, even for Lavi. At least I think so. Or then it's just simply contagious. That would make more sense. Either way, the same outcome. He turns around, pushes the handle down and I follow him outside, my last words left echoing behind closed doors._

"_Yeah, let's go! … But let's check in the bag first…"_

_-_

_I never told you where I was, did I? I was in the restroom. And the restroom is in a club. Yes, a club. I have no idea why. Or wait. Now I remember. Because Lavi dragged me here. Apparently I'm way too old for a boy who has never been drinking in a club. Which is probably why they have the age limit too. To make things more exiting for youths. To be honest, I have never drunk either. Cross kind of gave me traumas. And for crying out loud, it's illegal to drink this young where I come from! What is the matter with people telling me I'm too old? I'm certain that Lavi didn't go to a club underage either. It's easy for him to say now that he isn't underage. He just wants to see me embarrass myself, I swear._

"_You're British, aren't you?" the guy dancing right behind me asks, or better yet, yells._

_I nod absently and keep on with the rhythm. I'm not the best dancer in the world, but I am pretty good. At least drunk, it seems._

"_Man, I'm good. I almost went for Australian, but then I thought to myself "no, definitely British""._

_I turn around, wrap my arms around his neck and grant him a grin as charming as I can muster up. What? I didn't say I had never seduced anyone before. For that I had a reason. Seduction is the best way to work off debts. I should know, I've tried practically everything. I have also been in a pub before, but it was nothing like this. It had pool tables. Enough said. Anyway, I have this feeling I shouldn't have let Lavi get me drunk, but I'm a bit late with that thought. He loves ordering all these different drinks he knows have alcohol in them, but he doesn't know anything else about. My mind is working fairly fine, so I don't think I'm _completely _drunk. I can equal seven plus five. The black order will stone us dead._

"_I can tell it's not the only thing you're good at"._

_I am dancing with and hitting on a boy right now. So yes, if anyone asks, way, way, way past sober. Although I think I deserve this, after all that happened in the ark. Or maybe I'm just being selfish. But it was Lavi who dragged me here, so it's partly his fault I'm being selfish. Speaking of who, currently, I don't know where he is. Probably dancing somewhere with some random person. Kind of like me, but most likely with a girl. Suddenly I feel something wet on my neck and for a second, I'm repulsed. Then something, or rather, someone bits me and I have come to a realization. It's the guy. And what he's doing, feels horrible. Why do people do that kind of stuff anyway? I have lost my appreciation for the human kind. I pull him closer and discreetly try to direct him into a hug. Anything, as long as I get him off of my neck._

_I'm silently cheering with joy now that he taken in the bait. Some things are just not meant to be. Then he turns to my mouth, which I think is better, because kissing people is nice. Uh, no, think again Allen. No luck on that section either. I feel his tongue rudely invading my mouth and it seems especially interested in _my_ tongue. And is really wet. And the guy is letting out sloppy noises. God. I just want to run away. How did it end up like this? Oh yeah, it's my own fault for hitting on the guy. Now how am I supposed to get away from here? Smoothly, please. I slowly begin pulling away and the guy notices it instantly. He pulls back too and eyes me curiously. I just smile at him politely. I push him back with my middle finger._

"_Wait here."_

_I turn on my heels, throw him a glance over my shoulder and wink at him. The boy watches as I walk away, as if he had just won the lottery. I look away, sigh, rub my forehead and start making my way over to the bar. Life sucks so much sometimes. Now I want to get away from this whole place. And I want the guy to never talk to me again. When I reach the counter I immediately collapse on it, my cheek pressed down against it. There is something wet under my cheek. Great. Not again. But this time I don't feel like I have the energy to pull away. I close my eyes and let the outside world fade away._

"_Allen! Oh my god! You can't pass out on the counter! I knew it, I just knew you couldn't handle any alcohol! God damn lightweighted bean sprout… everyone's going to kill me…"_

_Lavi tries to lift me up from under my arms. I try my best to resist him without showing him I'm alive, but I figure that I should get up anyway before the security will also notice me and throw me out. I groan and raise my head to face him. Lavi stares at me for a moment. Then he sighs in relief and drops down on the stool next to mine. I'm not really that drunk. I just really hated the experience back there. I mean really. It has never felt that horrible before. Maybe it was the alcohol. Lavi waves at the bartender for the umpteenth time on that night. The bartender nods, but is busy serving other customers at the moment. I watch the bookman apprentice thoughtfully. Lavi looks back at me weirdly._

"_Lavi", I start dead seriously, "I think I'm straight."_

_And if he looked at me weirdly before, then that was nothing to rival against the look he is now giving me._

"_No way, Allen… You know, I think I might have to cast you out of our society now. Freaks like you just aren't accepted."_

_I groan and feel like hitting my head against the table. But no. "People might think you have passed out". Why cannot a guy be freely depressed in a club without someone throwing him out? Lavi gets to order now. And I can't help but notice that he orders three drinks, not two, not four, three. An uneven number. So he's going to call the girl over here too. And surely enough, when I look over, he is waving rapidly at someone. I sigh and slowly turn around on my stool. Let's see who he got then. For a moment I can't see anyone clearly approaching us. And then I see her. Clearly, heading towards our direction._

"_Yuu-chan! I almost thought you had ditched me!"_

_Lavi shouts and he's still waving even though Kanda is right in front of him. Oh, did I say "her"? Oops, my mistake. I meant "him" of course. Him, who is currently completely ignoring me and merrily greeting Lavi. Well, not merrily, but the way Kanda probably deciphers merry. He has now stood there for almost two seconds and is already annoying me to no end. What's with that reaction towards me? Or rather the lack of it. And what exactly did the comment Lavi made mean? Is he saying they have been together the whole evening? While I was dancing with some random, gross guy. Well, he was pretty good looking. But he was wet and those too annul each other. And even though my mind won't stay focused, I'm still pissed off at the two before me. Please don't tell me it's what I think it is._

"_What does that mean? … Are you two gay for each other?"_

_That may have come out with a little bit more distain than I had planned. It's not like I'm homophobic or something. My reaction aside, I was just making out with a guy! But that doesn't mean I want them to be together. Though, it appears Kanda now finally notices me. I guess he's a calm drunk because he has yet to slaughter me. If he is drunk, of course. I seriously don't know, but Lavi has probably forced down a couple down his throat too. But at any rate, Kanda is only staring down at me superiorly. It is of course possible I was right about them. But I'd rather not consider it as a possibility yet. Yes, rather not. Lavi is giggling. I wish I had something to hit him with._

"_Oh, didn't see you there, bean sprout. Would you like to repeat what you just said?"_

_Forget it, Kanda is just as evil as before. Probably just trying to avoid getting thrown out. Though he did not deny my accusation, which is odd. My shoulders slump. Lavi giggles only more. Seriously, giggles._

"_Ha, ha, what does that mean, bean sprout? I'm always like this to Yuuu-chan, aint I?" Lavi sings and leans drunkenly over Kanda._

_Kanda tells him to get off but doesn't do anything to support his words. Lavi snickers and pulls himself together. He coughs, sniffs and swipes his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. I'm positive he isn't even close to having a cold. The bartender brings the three, red, wide but low glasses on the table and I reach for the closest one to me without even asking for permission from Lavi. It wasn't his money he was using anyway, damn it. Unfortunately, the closest one to me also happens to be the closest one to Kanda. So while Lavi is gladly pouring down the drink he managed to catch, my hand accidentally places on Kanda's. I draw my hand back as quickly as possible. Kanda doesn't seem to care, he just grabs the drink for himself. I'm very aware of how big my eyes are and how shocked I look in general too. Can I ask just what the hell that was?_

"_Come on, Allen, you don't seriously think Yuu-chan would get over his pride and be brave enough to ask me to be his boyfriend?"_

_I can distantly hear Lavi speak, in all his sincerity and I can see Kanda smack him on the back of his head, but it is not enough to wake me up. Wait a second here. Wait a second… While Kanda is busy fighting Lavi off of him, I try to reach for his drink now safe on the counter. Safe from Lavi, I mean, not from me. Kanda of course notices this and grabs my hand. There it is again, the electric shock. My breath gets caught with the realization. He then roughly moves my hand over to the single unoccupied drink and places it around it. I can feel my heart beat a thousand times harder and a million times faster. The blood is rushing. Kanda pats my hand a couple of times to assure me. His eyes are locked with mine as if trying to make me understand._

_He probably thinks I'm really drunk, because he doesn't look exactly mad, just frowning at the whole situation altogether. Somehow it's almost like he's trying to protect me. From getting overly drunk, from doing something stupid and getting us all in trouble. He obviously disliked the mentioned situation however, which could easily be seen from his frown and the roughness in his movements. But he would clearly be mad, if he knew what had gone through my mind just now. Lavi then attacks Kanda again and steals his attention away from me. I'm quick to bury my face in my hands. What is going on? I just spent god knows how long without breathing, just because Kanda had touched me. And it wasn't like he had wanted to. I forced him to. And still the fucking butterflies are pulling somersaults in my stomach._

_Lavi only makes the situation worse. Kanda has to lift the redhead's arms above his head to prevent them from assaulting him. Which looks pretty provocative. It only adds up that Kanda's shirt lifts up along with his own arms, revealing the bare skin of his lower stomach. Oh. God. Now I feel a literal kick at my stomach. Did I dare say that my heart pumped blood into my body a million times faster before? Well, this is worse. Much, much worse. My face is burning. And something else too, but we'll talk about that when you and I are both a bit older. Ah, I got to get out of here. And by that point, I've already escaped to the men's room, leaving Lavi and Kanda alone with each other and their game. But enough of that._

_That was the first time I have ever felt sexual attraction towards a real person. And that was Kanda. Of course. Duh. I so should have seen this. Of course Kanda, out of all possible options. Yeah, no, definitely. Like I hadn't seen him completely shirtless many times before. Somehow I think the fact that I couldn't see _everything_ made it just the more alluring. I headed straight back to the headquarters after I got over my embarrassment and came out of my hiding place in the toilet. Neither Kanda nor Lavi saw me again on that evening. How long do you guess it took me to realize that it wasn't lust that ripped it all out of me, when it didn't do the same for the kind, cute guy that had been stubbornly courting me earlier at the club? Well, didn't do for anyone else. No one else but him. Your body can be really decisive when it wants to._


	3. Up and Down

I was supposed to put this chapter up yesterday, but when I was downloading the document, my internet failed on me. After had I fixed it, I had already completely forgotten what I had been planning to do =___= I'll try to upload the next chapter earlier that normal then. This one has been written in present tense on purpose, I wanted the chapters to differ from each other... Anyway, thank you all for the reviews, I really appreciate it a lot! Hope you're still there...

**Note: **At the beginning there's a time jump. Then it continues with the original story.

* * *

The first thing Allen sees is darkness. Or darkness is the first thing he realizes is before him. He isn't sure if his eyes are still closed, but if they are, they certainly aren't willing to open. Before he can see, he hears. But even that's only obscure mumbling at the start. He tries to form sensible thoughts inside his head, but it doesn't even cross his mind to speak. Finally the voices get louder and he can see a blur. He's grateful that he hasn't completely lost his sight. He doesn't know where he is or whether he is safe, but by experience, he probably isn't dead. He tries to recall what has happened, but he can't. His vision gets clearer, but now the voices have died. Before he can even see them properly, Allen knows who they are.

"Lavi? Lenalee?"

His voice is hoarse, but it breaks the silence and he knows that his hearing has fully returned. Then he can see Lenalee's relieved smile and Lavi's endless grin. They both scream out his name, a little bit too loud for his liking. Lavi jumps up and down in front of the bed and cheers, while Lenalee is sitting on a chair next to the bed and takes his hand into her own. Immediately as she touches him, he realizes the pain in his back, his right leg and the biggest on the back of his head. It's dull, so he guesses he has been stuffed with painkillers. He can't say he minds really. He tries to sit up.

"What happened?"

He asks because he still cannot remember anything. The last thing he actually remembers is the fight with Kanda. The only thing he does not want to remember. Allen manages to get himself in a sitting position, but immediately as he does so, a wave of dizziness washes over him. He leans his head on his free hand. Lenalee pats him on the shoulder gently, almost not even touching him, in case he had some injuries there. His arm is actually fine, but now he notices how hurt his left index finger actually is. He hopes for it to be a strain, not a fracture. Lavi rushes to the other side of the bed and watches him expectantly. Allen gets the feeling he has had something to do with what happened. Lenalee rolls his eyes and the feeling is confirmed.

"Lavi here carried you all the way to the town. We're in the hospital right now. You hit your head pretty badly."

Lavi puffs his chest out and Allen thanks him, wearing an apologetic smile. He frowns when Lavi starts explaining how heavy he was to carry, though he does say it in a way that's more praising to his own talents than complaining about Allen's weight. Lenalee looks like she wants to smack him around the head, but she doesn't, apparently because she is on the wrong side of the bed and doesn't want to leave Allen's side. Instead she starts lecturing Lavi about how Allen is an anorectic and how Lavi just destroyed all of his chances to heal. Lavi starts laughing and asks her if she has ever seen him eat. Suddenly Lenalee is very jealous of Allen's metabolism. Allen is hardly paying attention.

"Where is Kanda?"

He knows exactly what he had been missing after the memories of his argument with the boy flash through his brain. Lenalee and Lavi both turn to look at him sadly. Allen isn't sure why. Perhaps because of the fight. Most likely because of the fight. Or because something has happened to Kanda. He prayed to God that it wasn't it. Lenalee looks especially sorry and Allen is certain she regrets telling Kanda about how Allen feels towards him. Allen doesn't really mind the action anymore. But he isn't going to tell that to her, because she still shouldn't have done it. Right now, Allen feels bored. No, empty is a better word for it.

"He…" Lenalee begins slowly, "He was the one who actually found you. But he handed you over to Lavi and went somewhere. Probably to kill off the remaining akuma…"

And Allen remembers. He remembers the akuma, lots of them, level threes mainly and a few twos, but a lot anyway. He remembers the emptiness not being a new feeling at all and the pain. The pain before he had been hit. The pain somewhere nearer to his heart. And he had seen it coming. He had known it was right behind him. He hesitated only for a second. And that was too long. He was sent flying. He was lucky it hadn't been a lethal attack, probably just a meaningless punch. Or meaningless. He had lost his consciousness in the middle of a battlefield. The last thing he remembers is Kanda's voice, yelling something. Probably "bean sprout."

And at that exact minute, Kanda comes storming right into the room. Lenalee drops Allen's hand suddenly and gets up like she had been caught doing something naughty. Lavi straightens his posture and turns to face the newcomer. The newcomer with possible killer intent radiating from him. He is messy and his shirt is falling half off of him. His hair tie has once again gotten lost during battle, but he has probably gotten used to it by now. His hair levitates in the air draught and settles down once he has stopped. Lavi and Lenalee excuse themselves quickly and Allen is left shooting daggers at their backs. There is someone else demanding his attention however.

"What the hell was that before, bean sprout?"

Strangely enough, the sentence is like an angel's ballade to Allen. Neutral, melodic, male monotone. Allen's denies being a bean sprout, but Kanda sternly tells him to answer the "fucking question". Just that Allen isn't sure what his answer would be. He is positive the question referred to the fight. And how Allen basically_ let _the akuma kick his butt. Kanda must have seen it. Allen eyes him cautiously, but soon gets distracted by the fact that Kanda's chest is still half in the open. The tattooed side, but it had a little to do with Allen being so distracted. Kanda notices his gaze and quickly covers himself up. Allen is only slightly disappointed. And still doesn't know what to say. Kanda glares at him coldly.

"Because of me?"

Allen doesn't answer. But he knows it's true. He has known it all along. He knows where the pain in his chest originated from and from where the emptiness grew. His heart was broken. He didn't care how stupid that sounded and how figurative the sentence really was. Literally, he would more probably be labeled as brain dead. That would explain the emptiness. He is sure Kanda now knows it's true too, just because Allen didn't answer. Allen's regrets not answering. He doesn't want Kanda to know that, for a second, he had doubted his own willingness to live. For a second. But that would be enough to make the Japanese go mental. Kanda holds his head in his hands, in frustration, and growls out loud. He starts walking in circles.

"Well isn't it all happy go lucky being in love!"

He sits down on a chair, directly in front of Allen, but on the other side of the room and next to the door. Allen's head drops. They sit in silence for the while. He hates the fact that Kanda is right. He hates the fact that Kanda probably feels in between right now. Because he is the reason Allen is kind of lost right now. But to find Allen, he should do something he himself does not want. It is not his fault. He should not have to choose between his own happiness and Allen's. And Allen just wants to tell him that he will be alright, that Kanda doesn't need to choose. But he can't get the words out. His mouth opens, but he cannot get anything out. Instead, Kanda is the one who eventually cuts through the quiet.

"It would be a lot better without love."

To both his and Kanda's surprise, Allen immediately, and without hesitation, retaliates. But it's more the answer than anything else.

"It _would not._"

His voice is firmer than ever and he can't help but confuse himself. He had told Lavi and Lenalee that there was nothing worse than falling in love. Yet now he is defending it. Kanda narrows his eyes at him.

"Oh yeah? If there wasn't love you wouldn't have lost your willingness to fight."

The words just keep coming to Allen, so naturally it's creeping him out. But he isn't showing it to Kanda. After all, he has a point to prove.

"If there wasn't love I wouldn't have been fighting to begin with."

And he knows it's true. He fights to protect the ones he loves. The akuma, his friends, the organization, everyone else and Kanda and he isn't planning to stop at any time soon.

"If there wasn't love there wouldn't be akumas."

Kanda challenges and he even gets up. His voice his slightly louder and Allen unconsciously notices it. Which is why his own voice comes out even louder.

"If there wasn't love no one would care even if there were akumas!"

Allen's back straightens and he is glaring at Kanda unabashed. Now Kanda seems to be mad at him. Mad at him for defending love.

"If there wasn't love you wouldn't feel miserable right now!"

Defending the love that hurt him. Allen is quickly reminded of this. But he doesn't even care anymore, the only thing he knows that he is right about this. Not Kanda. No, never.

"If there wasn't love I would never be truly happy!"

Allen gets up on his knees defiantly. In the heat of the moment, he forgets all the physical pain the fast movement should have made him feel.

"_Love _makes you _weaker_!"

Kanda spits out and takes a step forward so they are now standing inches apart from each other, eyes locked in a fierce battle.

"Love makes you stronger."

Kanda does not answer, but Allen doesn't take it as if he's agreeing. He eyes Allen thoughtfully, probably thinking the same thing that Allen was thinking. Why is he defending something that's made him feel nothing but pain? Allen could now tell him why, but he doesn't. He feels himself set on fire again, because he is so near to the dark haired exorcist. Kanda probably doesn't even realize that Allen is watching him, because his eyes lack presence. Not that Allen really minds. He can watch in peace. No matter from what distance you look, Kanda is still incredibly beautiful, in the kind of unreal, flawless way. He doesn't really see why boys couldn't be called beautiful. Because some really are.

Kanda's lips are set in a pout that recurs in his eyes, eyes that always carry that same look Allen can't determine. Once the boy relaxes, it all disappears and for some odd reason, at those times, he looks utterly pure and innocent. Allen doesn't really know how to feel about all that. For one he hates the way Kanda looks, because Allen is much more disfigured than him, making him feel inferior. Then again, it's just something that makes Kanda. The fact that even though he's beautiful, he still grew up to be like that. The kind that's arrogant of thoroughly other things than his looks, because "looks aren't an achievement".

Allen would love to touch him right now, his cheeks, eyelids or his lips, and the sole reason stopping him from risking his life and kissing the exorcist, is that he doesn't want Kanda to lose his trust in him. He would never be able to be this close to him again. And he knows he's being mischievous, that he's literally stealing the boy's closeness and affection, but he doesn't care. So what if he can't have the whole thing, he'll take whatever he can get. And what Kanda doesn't know, can't hurt him. It's only because the other boy's mere existence excites him so much that he doesn't think love is at all that bad. And being close to him makes it all worth a while. He feels ecstatic compared to how he was feeling before.

Had they not been screaming at each other earlier, they probably would have continued standing there, staring at each other for god knows how long. But they were, which is why before they even get the chance to react, the door has already been kicked open with Lavi and Lenalee standing in the doorway. Both Allen and Kanda's heads turn at the bang the entry produces. The two incomers look like they had thought that the quietness had meant the two had strangled each other to death. Struck with comprehension, Kanda takes a hasty step backwards, away from Allen, and Allen slumps back on the bed. Only then does he notice that the pain has gotten sharper. No one says anything. Everyone is looking away from each other.

"Uh… we heard some noises?" Lavi manages to speak out eventually.

Kanda snorts and gives him a shake of his head. Lavi smiles in an attempt to win him over. Lenalee laughs awkwardly and scratches the back of her head. Allen stares at the cushions for a while longer before his gaze finds Kanda. Kanda senses this and spares him a glance. Allen is certain he sees doubt in the other's eyes. He smiles softly, although sadly, to tell him that he still believes in what he said. That, ultimately, love was a blessing, not a curse. Kanda furrows his eyebrows and quickly rips his eyes off him with a huff. He crosses his arms and walks away elegantly. Lavi stares at his disappearing back in wonder. Allen's gaze drops, but the smile remains. It would be an understatement to say Lenalee is worried, but she too smiles.


	4. Truth

So, okay, this chapter is VERY boring x) I have a lot to comment on this though. Firstly, I was very nervous to publish this because this is all thoughts and, when I write thoughts, I'm known to forget to mention some things and shorten things a lot (at least when I talk :D). Secondly, I don't really watch the anime, but I dislike how low Kanda's voice is in it. It sounds somewhat... disembodied. The two don't fit. I don't want his voice to be girly, I was waiting for a kind of... male neutral. But anyway. Try to guess who are speaking ;)

**Note: **In this chapter there's no particular time dependency, but it would be "now". A cut through everybody's minds.

* * *

A fun fact: whenever Yuu argues with Allen, his voice almost always gets higher. I have a theory about that. I believe his voice is naturally higher than he likes to set forth. He doesn't especially like the fact that he's pretty. Because he is, pretty, there's no denying that, not even for him. And to add that he has a pretty voice too? Nuh-huh, no way, not going to happen. At least his voice he can somewhat control, hiding his looks might be impractical. He can get used to talking lower if he does it all the time. Not that he can get his voice very much lower, but in a way that makes it more casual. In my honest opinion, I think he could also cut down the prettiness by cutting his hair. I like his hair though, so I will never tell that to him seriously.

But Yuu is quick-tempered. He doesn't exactly remain calm and in control all the time. And when he isn't calm and, more importantly, when he isn't in control, his natural voice breaks out. I asked Lenalee about his voice and she said that she had noticed, but she wasn't sure why it happened. She guessed it was because some people's voices did naturally get higher when they were upset. But there is one factor that she missed. I've also heard him talk with that voice, not when he was upset, but when he talked about something he believed in. Something that was more important to get out right than to get out in the right voice. So basically, if someone says something that's dear to him, usually people listen to _what_ he's got to say, not _how_ he says it. If they focus on the level of his voice, they probably shouldn't be hearing it at all.

Lenalee has known Yuu longer than I have. And I'm certain that she has heard him use that voice more than she knows. But she has not focused on it, because at the time it was more important to listen to what Yuu had to say. But I'm more observant than that. I'm more observant than any normal person, because that's how I was raised to be. That is how I know the truth but she doesn't. I also asked Allen about it. Allen too had spotted the fact. As a side note, Link hadn't, but Link probably didn't even care about the highness of Yuu's voice. Allen said that he thought it was silly that Yuu would want to hide his pretty voice. This was the first time I realized Allen must have really fallen for Yuu.

I had not told Allen about my theory. Allen just suddenly pointed his one out after I had commented on what Yuu's voice was like during their arguments. I asked him why he believed Yuu's voice was actually higher. He off handedly told me that his voice tended to dance on the verge all the time and it was totally obvious to the ear that he was modifying it less _melodic_, his exact word. I personally had thought that Yuu had been generally doing a really good job at hiding his bones. And I got taken a little aback when I found out Allen was right. Damn. Allen, who never noticed anything concrete, would notice the slight instability in Yuu's voice, when even I couldn't, and he didn't seem to have thought a lot about it either. And not too many things make people go super observant of other people without even themselves noticing it.

-

_Kanda's been acting really cold towards me again today_, were Walker's words and I couldn't say I disagreed. On that day or any of the others. He complained about how Kanda hated cursed people and now, including his eye, he was double-cursed because of the fourteenth. He had a Noah inside of him and that provably made him sinful, something to exorcist and yet he was jumping along with the people who did the exorcising. Kanda must have been dying to slaughter him. His words, not mine and certainly not Kanda's, since he and Walker definitely did not talk about anything so _deep_, in their scale at least. I personally don't think he was completely out of his mind for thinking like that. I would think like that.

That is of course if I hadn't paid any attention what so ever during our time in the orphanage. I think it's fairly possible that Walker himself wasn't even aware of being possessed. Or then he's just really dense, which is an equally probable option. I saw the fourteenth appear and I'm positive Kanda saw it too, because he was even closer to the host. And in case Walker got possessed, every exorcist was clearly advised to kill him. Immediately. No buts. But what does the Japanese do? He starts screaming "bean sprout". For crying out loud. Isn't it _obvious _why Kanda is so cold to you, Walker? You were there. He knows he's going to lose you and he even possibly has to be the one to kill you. Do you think it'll make it a lot easier if he's acting like your best friend? Right, he probably loves killing his friends.

I'm sure thinking about your feelings has crossed his mind. But he probably sees it this way: "You're a selfish brat for suddenly beginning to die, just when I had gotten used to you. This is why I don't like people: they die." Oh yes, I can basically hear his mind whirring. I won't tell you any of this, because I know you love him. Of course I know, because my job is to follow you around and therefore I was there when you told your two little friends about it. I don't want you to feel hurt because of the situation between you two right now, but I think it's better this way, for his sake. It hurts a whole lot more to lose a loved one then to never have been loved at all. No matter what you'd say, I'm not sure if this is something he can forgive you, even if you did know. Forgive dying, that is. To think of it, he's probably angrier at God than you.

The knowledge in itself also might hurt you more than your imaginary one, because you'd know he was hurting too and you couldn't do anything about it. If you start talking about this by yourselves, that's fine by me. But I highly doubt that. It hurts _too_ much, doesn't it? Those are things more complicated. You might both end up more hurt than before. Anyway, Kanda is thinking about himself now. He wasn't supposed to like you, so more than you, more than God, he probably is the angriest at himself. He'll hurt if he starts liking you. But he can't hate you if you love him. So you're being selfish too. Walker, you do realize that telling Kanda you love him will hurt him more than it would if you just said you hated him? Lovesick people usually tend to be awfully blind towards the people they love.

-

I don't think falling in love with Kanda was that hard. Not hard at all. You might think it to be difficult, because of a lot of things. Because Kanda is the same sex as I am. Because of our general hostility towards each other. Because either of us could die at any moment. Because there was an outright war growing outside, because I had no time to be falling in love. But it was. Maybe it was easy _because_ of those things. I can't say that I'm broadminded enough to have not freaked out if I had just realized I'm gay. Just because I'm used to being unusual, doesn't mean I want to be any more. No, certainly not. However, I didn't freak out, for a reason completely different. It's all about how you phase it.

Maybe it was the war that kept me from concerning myself with it, because otherwise I don't understand why people ever even get upset over being gay. It went a little like this: I feel attraction towards a boy, I convince myself it was just one boy and I still generally like girls. I figure that I like more guys, but it still doesn't matter because I like girls. I figure girls aren't so interesting, but I'm already okay with liking guys so it doesn't matter. Simple. It was all very slow. It doesn't shock you so much if you take it in bit by bit. Falling in love with Kanda was the same: I might not dislike him, I feel attraction towards him, I like him, I love him, I love him in a completely different way that I love everyone else.

I didn't just wake up one day and realize that I love him. I don't even remember when was the first time I used the word love in the non-friendly sense. Just at some point the meaning behind the word became more and more obscure and maybe a bit by bit I started loving him deeper and deeper until in my mind I had definitely and conclusively fallen in love with him. And if you think about it, Kanda is not that hard a person to fall for. He is extremely beautiful and has a great body. He is strong, physically and mentally. He cares about everyone around him enough to even sacrifice himself, even though he won't admit it. Also, would it be completely inappropriate to say that he's fun, because he's hard to get? You can't quite understand him and he doesn't want you to understand, which makes the chase more exciting.

Running after his heart is a whole different story. That chase I can hardly say I enjoy. I wouldn't want to waste a second out of eternity without him. Catching his heart would make everything, absolutely _everything_ much less painful. For me, of course, but I'd personally make sure he would enjoy it too. But I can't, I shouldn't, but I want. I know I'm dying. I know it'd be cruel to ask him to love me when I most certainly will lose myself at a point near future. But, I think it'd make it a lot harder for the Noah to take control over someone who has a lifetime pack of ecstasy reserved. I think, but I can't be certain. Luckily I don't need to worry about that since he is obviously rather far from loving me back. The hardest part of falling love is the fact that I'll never know if I'll ever catch his heart.

-

Allen is never down. He is always seeing the brighter side of life. I'm certain it's not a façade, because he's not down even in the weakest moments. But this everything does seem to be getting him down, with the fourteenth and the millennium earl rising. That is something huge. There is no way anyone could ever deal with that and still remain positive all way down to the core. He still is trying to look forward, I know that. Well I don't know why or how he does it, but Allen's glass will always be half full, even if the teacup and the bag of flours were empty. But anyway, he has been relatively down lately. If you already have this sad feeling inside of you, it will come out even by the simplest things. But also if you have this happy feeling inside of you, it works the same way.

I also don't think he was telling the truth when he said that love only brings him pain and sadness. It is possible he seriously believes that. But just because he believes it, it doesn't make it any more the truth. Maybe he just doesn't see the energy he gets after every quarrel with Kanda. Maybe he doesn't remember the exciting feeling he gets. In that case, it would be the aftereffect that leads him astray. Just about at all times, Kanda will walk away from him or just ignore him. Which will make Allen feel awful. And that awful feeling will surely be the thing he will remember afterwards. People have this weird habit of getting stuck with the last feeling they get from a thing. And a weird habit of letting bad things overpower the good things in their memory.

And it also might have something to do with the fact that a quarrel with Kanda usually lasts only a few minutes. In comparison, when Kanda and Allen leave for different missions or when only the other one goes, it takes days before they see each other again. He feels sad more often. Though you could ask him if the few minutes of happiness beat the pain that comes from days of deprivation. If he really thought about it, he would say yes. I know he would. That's why he keeps on loving, for the sake of those few minutes. His unconsciousness remembers, even when he forgets, and it adores the happy feeling it gets from loving Kanda and there's nothing Allen can do about it. Love really is this happy feeling inside.

No matter how odd it sounds, I don't want him to know how happy he is. If he realizes how happy love actually makes him, he will never be able to give it up. And I don't know if Kanda would ever let himself love Allen back. He probably hates the mere fact that Allen is attached to him. Everything hurts a whole lot less if you don't care. Kanda refuses to love. If you lose a loved one, which often happens in a war, it will make your heart and body lose their strength. And he won't have the strength to fight anymore. But people always fight for their love, don't they. If he doesn't love, who does he fight for? The answer is everyone. That's why he's the same with Allen. He wants to save everyone. He never says it, but he loves everyone, equally. And if he were to fall in love with someone, it'd be Allen. If he let himself fall.


	5. Beauty

The last part :( I really liked working with this story. Thank you for all the reviews and faves and those, makes me a happy little person! I was supposed to say something about this chapter... But then I thought I'd spoil it. Oh well, did anyone figure out the connection between the names of all five chapters? x)

**Note: **The _italic _parts are Kanda's thoughts with no particular time dependency, but it would be "now". A cut through his mind.

**SidenoteEdit: **In the final part, it abruptly changes to who Kanda is dedicating his words. That is indeed on purpose.

* * *

"Stupid git… Why are you failing…"

Kanda muttered bitterly as he stumbled forwards. He tried to lift Allen into a better position on his shoulder but his leg disagreed with the movement and demanded him on his knee. Kanda cursed under his breath and struggled to get up once more. He only managed to move on a few more meters before his leg already gave up again. He closed his eyes and tried to relax his body, so he'd be able to continue the travel. Despite his efforts, he had to groan out loud to cover the pain that came with moving. This apparently woke up Allen, who jerked abruptly. Quite smoothly, and very much intentionally, he slid down from and under Kanda's arm, pushing himself down on the ground and as far away from the other as he got. He remained unmoving on his back and closed his eyes. Kanda glanced at him over his shoulder and frowned. He came to the conclusion that Allen was playing dead. This notion didn't stop him from asking.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Beansprout?"

Allen muttered something incoherent, but if Kanda knew Allen at all, he would have guessed that it had something to do with his supposed name. But the little Brit wasn't focusing on the important part in that sentence. Kanda climbed on top of him on his knees to make sure the other hadn't dropped dead the second he had stopped making weird noises. Allen's eyes tensed for a moment before he began stirring. Even after his eyes had returned to their regular size, they just kept on widening. He seemed to choke for the second and the following ones he just spent on gaping. His eyelids began drooping after a while, as if he was on the verge of sleep. He sighed contently, albeit shakily, and slowly lifted his hand up. It seemed like he wanted to say something, and Kanda was too interested in hearing what it was to care, when the cold palm of the other boy pressed against his own hot cheek.

"This is just like in my dream. Or… I don't think it was a dream… at the beginning", Allen smiled half sadly, half happily, "From my first mission. You were there. Your hair was hanging loose like that and you were oh so beautiful and you were protecting _me_, the stupid newcomer, cursed fool", Allen closed his eyes and his smile faded with the action, "It still gives me the chills every time you protect me. Or like in every bloody battle you end up losing your hair tie…. I mean, that's just ridiculous… But every time it takes my breath away and makes my legs melt…"

Kanda's eyebrows were raised high, but otherwise he had a pretty blank expression on his face. Only after Allen had mentioned it, he wondrously paid heed to the long pitch black locks falling before his vision.

-

_Flowers_

_It disturbs me greatly that someday the flowers might cover all above ground too, including people. They've been pretty cunning my whole life. First there was just one flower. Then one day I noticed that there was actually another smaller flower under it. Which grew. And then somewhere popped up a third one without me noticing it. Nowadays there are countless lotuses everywhere. They've already started climbing up the walls and the trees and I'm only eighteen. I don't know if they'll ever stop increasing. If they do cover everything up, I'll be blind to details. I will recognize things and people by their sound, smell, movement and shape. My other senses will probably sharpen, but really, sight_ is_ pretty irreplaceable._

_And why does Beansprout remind me of the flowers? The flowers are everywhere so everything should remind me of them. And if everything reminds me of them, nothing should. If something is there all the time, you will stop paying attention to it altogether. So Beansprout. Beansprout is someone who makes me pay attention to the flowers. He's not the only person, he's just the only person who has no sensible connection to the flowers and still reminds me of the flowers. If you can call it a connection, then he has one very much _not _sensible. For some reason, Beansprout _fits together _with the flowers._

_I have no clue of why that is. Maybe it's his skin color or his hair or his eyes, but at any rate, it's undeniable that he does. I think it's an evil plan to delude me, by God or someone like that. Because let's face it, straddling someone to a ground becomes that tad more romantic if you do it on a field of pink lotuses. I've been doing stuff on that field for my whole life and I've learned to ignore the tint. The flowers aren't true, the romance isn't true. But how can I ignore it if Beansprout keeps reminding me of the flowers? See, someone is obviously on Beansprout's side. Not that I care, the flowers can marry Beansprout themselves if they think he's so compatible. _

-

It then suddenly occurred to him that he was not sure if the little idiot was still even breathing. Kanda called his name, the one he himself had given the boy, not the one given on his birth, and shook him by his left shoulder, to no effect. He sighed expressively and lightheartedly sat on top of the boy. Allen didn't response to this either, but it hadn't been the plan to fish for reactions anyway. Kanda slowly pressed their stomachs together, then their chests and when his mouth stopped only an inch apart from Allen's, he finally discovered the other's breath. He smirked victoriously as he realized that it was now rather hard, as if the boy had gone through an exercise of some kind and was now actually trying to swallow it up.

Surprisingly, Allen was also getting warmer by the second, but since Kanda hadn't caught any push-ups in his direction lately, he had to guess there was another reason for it. He also had an idea as to what this reason might've been. His grin widened. Allen licked his lips and Kanda pressed their mouths together. Rather forcefully. Not that Allen had any complaints, quite the contrary. Allen's back arched upwards and he grabbed onto Kanda's shoulders very tightly, quite lively considering his dead act before. Kanda tried to retreat from the kiss, but Allen followed him. Kanda would have probably laughed at the movement, had he been the laughing type and had his mouth not been pretty occupied. Instead he just pushed Allen roughly back to the ground, using only one hand. Allen whined in order to collect sympathy and Kanda distinctively heard the word "more". He tried to rise once more, but Kanda just repeated the previous, his hand pressing Allen's chest, and Allen with it, down. Allen pouted. Kanda smirked.

"Idiot Beansprout, we're in the middle of a fight."

Kanda berated and Allen looked thoughtful. Obviously caught completely into his own world, he stared over Kanda's shoulder. Kanda followed his line of gaze, but found nothing interesting, so he just turned back and snorted. Convinced that the boy was alive now, he pulled himself off of the other. He quickly swept the sleeves of his uniform, in a manner that said more "job well done" than that he felt dirty, even though he was indeed dusty from the battle. He off-handedly wondered how he was supposed to get up on his legs again. He heard movement behind his back and saw a shadow fall over him, both of which he immediately recognized as productions of Allen, so he figured the little Brit was now even more lively than he had dared to expect. This observation was confirmed when Allen walked into his view. Kanda calmly looked past the boy and at the battle scenery, which he figured Allen was also watching.

"If I take care of all that, will you kiss me again?"

Allen pointed a finger toward the huge pack of akumas and casted a very much serious look back at his black haired companion. Kanda had hardly managed to grant him an incredulous expression with a "if you take care of _all_ that, I will give you two", before he was already gone. Kanda watched him go and jump around like mad and his eyes widened slightly at the realization that the idiot indeed had been serious. He quickly decided that if Allen was to die then, he would drag his ass back from heaven and send him back there by himself, only in much smaller pieces. At some point, Lavi had found his side and was helping him get up. Kanda didn't protest, but he paid more attention to Allen anyway. Though when he glanced at Lavi, he noticed that the bookman was as startled by Allen's sudden energy burst as he had been. Lavi's eyes hung open and he scratched the back of his head. He turned to Kanda and wondered out loud what on earth the Japanese had said to the Brit to make him go on a salvation spree.

-

_Love_

_Not because I love him to death, but because he loves everyone. To death. Beansprout is one of those people that will most likely die before their time, but then anyone who hangs onto him is highly less likely to suffer a preliminary death. He is the kind of person that tries to save others, friends or foes, even if the operation would almost certainly just take away both the victim's and his own lives. He is stupid like that. He apparently does not want to get anything done, he does not want to save the God damn world, the only thing he cares about is the current moment. "Live in the moment". The genius who came up with that apparently never had to save the world. Beansprout has trouble seeing the whole picture._

_Because he loves everyone, the first thing that came to mind, when Lenalee decided that she needed to confess for Beansprout, was that "Of course he does, he loves everyone, I shouldn't be an exception". A normal thought considering it's _Beansprout_ who we're talking about. But at the same time, somewhere in the background, my mind is also quick to comprehend the real meaning behind the declaration: "Beansprout is _in love _with you." I never thought that loving everyone would step in his way of falling in love. I just never thought that he would. I thought he'd be busy doing other things, like I was. I thought that he agreed that for an important weapon in a war, it would be impossible._

_That's why human isn't the best weapon. No one can quite control a human, not even the human itself. I know he thinks that I'm doing this because it makes him stronger. And that is partly true. If it didn't make him stronger, I wouldn't be doing it. But if we both make through this, I'll tell him that's not why I let myself love him back. I figured I had no other choice. Before I had decided I would not love anyone. And then, for a reason unknown and despite my decision, I noticed that _him_ it was possible for me to love back, if I just let myself. Humans hardly ever actually listen to themselves, do they? _

-

"I promised him a kiss… No, two kisses."

Lavi stared at him expressionlessly for a minute or two before bursting out laughing. Kanda decided that he wouldn't care about it, since, ultimately, it was Allen who he was laughing at and _that_ he didn't mind. The next second Allen was already standing expectantly in front of him. His eyes were wide open as if he was waiting for something amazing to happen and Kanda didn't know how else to answer him expect by kissing him. So he did and the effort he put into it was by no means lessened by the cheering he vaguely heard from Lavi or the orders to "shut it" from Lenalee, who had suddenly appeared and had apparently begun on the long mission of dragging Lavi away. When the need for oxygen became too great, only then did the two agree to part lips. Allen's eyes were more relaxed now, not the insane size of plates like they had been before, meanwhile Kanda just stared at him confusedly.

"Love really did make you stronger. I would have expected you to die because of that… Little British dumbass…"

Kanda shook his head and couldn't help but smack Allen on the back of _his_ head. Allen yelped and raised his chin to glare at him accusatively, all the while rubbing his head and correcting the of course _accidental_ misspelling of his name. Somewhere between their little quarrel they had managed to separate from each other, but Allen saw no problem in fixing that problem, forgetting the cause to this separation immediately. He carefully snaked his arms around Kanda's neck, trying not to create too much pressure on Kanda's leg. Once he was certain that his position was comfortable for them both, he sighed happily and laid his head on Kanda's shoulder. Kanda on the other hand just rubbed his back in a soothing rhythm and caressed his hair exceptionally gently. Without really thinking about it, Allen blurted out an answer to Kanda's words. He realized the true meaning of the words only after they had left his mouth, but he didn't correct himself. He wanted to see the response. It wasn't a statement that anyone could say "yes" to.

"Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you will be gone."

But it was a statement that had the power to push two people apart. Kanda frowned in thought.

"It's definitely not a beauty…"

Allen relaxed visibly. With the smile he set up, he basically glowed and hugged Kanda tighter.

"Yeah, you're right."

-

_Beauty_

_Lavi has this annoying habit of playfully hitting on me. He once said something that only now caught my attention. "Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall". Those were your words before him, weren't they? I knew it the exact moment the revised edition of the sentence parted with your lips. Though an extraordinary person like Lavi might find it a beauty, you don't, do you? I've known that since the beginning. "He is in love with you and it's hurting him". The complete version of what my mind processed when Lenalee confessed your feelings to me. "And it's hurting him because he doesn't know whether you'll love him back"._

_Because you didn't even try to deny falling in love with me. You just waited for my answer, waited for me to take away your pain. It was what hurt you the most. I never even considered letting myself love you before it became obvious you loved me, so that was never a problem for me. The thing that hurts me the most is a thing you cannot cure. It's the fact that, someday near, I will most certainly lose you. You don't have this problem, because we both _know _that I'm not going to die anytime soon. I'm just not the kind of person. But like I previously said, you're the kind. And to add to that, there's the Noah. One of those two will get you killed before time and we just have to see which one gets there first. Either one, you will die._

_I don't know what happens then. I don't think I'll stop fighting. I think I'll only stop when the war has ended. It's whether you live or die that defines whether I have any life left after the war. I myself don't care and you probably didn't know I could get attached to you. You probably didn't know that, when I let myself fall in love with you, it was the last time I could with someone. If you knew, you'd probably stop me from sacrificing my after-war-life for you, stop me from loving you. You, _idiot_, would rather sacrifice yourself and your own love, like you do every time. But don't you know? Great sacrifices are bound to be made to achieve something greater. In health and sickness, isn't it all part of the beauty of falling in love?_


End file.
